Never Again
by luvsmorganreid
Summary: Angel loves Cordelia but won't act on it because he loves her too much to chance hurting her. Warning: Contains HET.


Fandom: Angel the Series  
Title: Never Again  
Characters: Angel and Cordelia  
Pairing: Angel/Cordelia  
Rating/Warnings: PG. AU, Het.  
Summary: Angel loves Cordelia but won't act on it because he loves her too much to chance hurting her.  
A/N: Thanks to my friend and beta Judy and to all the readers.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story. I'm making no money from this story and the characters belong to their creators. Word Count: 27k

*Never Again*

Angel's POV:

I told Cordelia that our relationship was never going to work. It wasn't going to last and I wasn't going down that road again. Never again was I going to risk giving myself only to learn that it's still not enough.

I did that with Buffy and she ended up having to kill me. The Powers That Be turned me into Angelus and I almost killed Buffy and Cordelia's teacher Jenny Calendar. She was also the girlfriend of Giles, Buffy's Watcher.

I caused so much fear and pain that I never want it to happen again. I don't want to take a chance on letting Angelus out again. I love Cordelia too much to let us have sex and ruin everything.

The gang here in Los Angeles is all I have left of friends and of course my son Conner. Me - a father. I had given up all hope of ever being a father when I became a vampire and then when Wesley took Conner away.

But now he's back and although we don't get along very well, I'm not going to stop trying. Conner is my son and I love him. I also love Cordelia which is why I sent her away when she started flirting with me. Part of me wants to tell her why I'm sending her away but another part of me doesn't.

What if she doesn't understand? I mean, she was there when I was Angelus back in Sunnydale. But does that mean she really knows and understands the consequences of what could happen if I get another moment of perfect happiness?

She doesn't know what I did to Buffy. But I'm going to try and stop thinking about that now. That's in the past and this is the present. While I should remember all of the things that I did I shouldn't let them control me. I also shouldn't be afraid to tell Cordelia the truth. Hell, after all that has happened she deserves to know the truth if nothing else.  
I get up and open the door to my office. Moments later I'm saying Cordelia's name and waiting for her to appear. "Yeah boss, what's up?"

Steeling myself to tell her the truth and have her get angry I plunge on. "Cordelia, come in and close the door please. We need to talk."

When she closes the door and takes a seat I begin. "You and I both know that you have been flirting with me. You and I also know that while I have been responding lately, nothing can ever happen between the two of us. Now, I'm not saying this to offend you. I'm saying this to protect you and everyone else. I have no doubt that if we slept together I would become Angelus."

Cordelia rolled her eyes at me and then said, "It won't happen like that with us. The only way you would turn into Angelus is if you had…" I watch her trail off as things begin to sink in for her. "You mean…?"

I nod and then sigh softly. "I really care about you. I think that I might even love you, which is why we can't test things. If we slept together and achieved that perfect moment of happiness then all of you would be screwed and not in a good way."

When she nodded, I knew that Cordelia didn't like it but that she understood. After a few moments she spoke up again. "So does this mean that we are good friends? Or does this mean that we are just acquaintances from Sunnydale once more?"

I paused for a few moments trying to decide which action would be better to take. Finally I say, "We are good friends and nothing more. It's all we can afford to be." I watched as she took in what I was saying and then she nodded.

"Fine," Cordelia said. She got to her feet again and then left my office. Telling Cordelia that she and I could never be more than friends is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.

I feel like when she walked out of my office just a few minutes ago she took part of me with her. I haven't felt like this in years. I haven't felt like this since Buffy. Part of me wants to call Cordelia back and say to hell with the curse.

That same part of me wants to clear my desk and take Cordelia right on top of it. But the saner part of me would never let that happen. There's too much to lose by doing so. Knowing that I have to get my mind off of Cordelia and Buffy, I start to go through the four piles of papers that are on my desk.

By the time that I'm done with them and look at the clock, I realize that it's been two hours. Two hours since I have thought of the two women that I love most in this entire world. I need to get a grip. I have a business to run and people to help.

I can't start slacking on the job because I miss being able to love and be with someone. It's been three years. I should be past all of these feelings by now. But apparently I'm not, for they won't go away and leave me the hell alone. So I'll just bury them like I have been burying my pain.

I'm sure that before long I'll be as good at burying these feelings like I am at all of the others. It will just take a bit of time to let things settle and to let me bury everything deep down inside where I know it will be safe. I know that I'll be able to do it.

I have to do this, no questions asked. If I can't or don't, the only thing I know is that I won't be able to survive. And I just have to survive. Anything else is simply not an option. I won't let it be one. I just need to figure things out and try to get my head straight once more.

The end.


End file.
